Well, my flare continues and I had to call and tell my employer that I would need to be off at least this week and it could be longer – I just don’t know. I know it’s hard for them to understand and the manager wanted to know if I have medical proof that documents what I say I have. Yeah I have proof – like 20 years worth! Maybe I should take it all in and let them read through it! LOL
I have been sleeping on the couch for a week now because the night sweats are so severe I know there is no use in me going to bed. I would just be tossing and turning all night and my husband wouldn’t get any sleep. I am feeling a little better today. I do have to keep resting but I didn’t have that extreme exhaustion feeling today like I have had for the past week. I also put a freeze on my gym membership. I will not be going back until this flare is completely over. When I do return, I am just going to have to stick with the strength training and some light treadmill walking. It really sucks when you try to do everything right and your body turns on you.
I always feel like I’m being punished for something to have to go through this. My son made a comment yesterday that had me in tears but I didn’t let him see me cry. He said that he wished I wasn’t sick all of the time and he wished that I was more fun to be around. I know he wasn’t trying to be hurtful but it did upset me. I feel guilty enough and that comment just made me feel even more depressed.
I am frustrated and lonely. Even though I have a husband and son here with me, I still feel so alone.
Dear Sandy
I just read your piece on your flare up and when I cam to the part about feeling frustrated and lonely, I teared up. I have no family, which may be good, but I also have no friends anymore because I cannot schedule activities in advance in case a flare up hits me. I lost a lot of money and several thousands of frequent flyer miles this spring when I cancelled a trip to Scotland because I found I wasn’t able to walk very far. I have a high threshold for pain but my flare ups seem to be coming more frequently and are more intense. And it has me wondering if I will ever be able to find work again since I was laid off two years ago. I have no stamina and the fatigue is at times overwhelming.
I know as fibro sufferers we must keep a positive attitude but gee whiz, there are times when I want to scream – somedays, as the saying goes, it’s just not worth it to chew through the ropes!
Hang in there – there’ll be a little something that will come your way soon that will make you, ever so briefly, smile and even laugh, and help you forget about the pain and isolation. I promise!
Pam
Sandy – I can definitely relate to your post. I had a friend today – she meant well – tell me not to go in and tell the Dentist everything I struggle with because he won’t do the surgery I need (oral surgery). I almost started crying. She clarified it was he didn’t want to be sued. I tried to explain to her if I don’t tell them what is wrong, I come out hurting like a bangee and taking days to recover. If they will just listen to me for a few minutes and put a few extra things in place, I can get this done and recover a little faster.
My daughter once told me she missed our basketball games the most. So did I.
I know this may not be my place, and please forgive me if I step over a boundary line, but have you given any thought to the possibility that maybe it is time to stop working? I had to make that decision at one point. Sometimes the only way to get better or stabilize is to stop everything. If you keep pushing, you may end up in a severe crash, or worse, a permanent one.
Anyway, please do hang in there. It does suck. It is lonely. BUT, you are not alone. I’m here and so are a whole community of CFIDS-er and FMS-ers. You can find tons of blogs on my blog if you want to try and meet others so you don’t feel so ‘alone.’
Thank you both for your kind, caring words. I keep thinking that going back to work was not a good idea. I just went back to work 1 1/2 years ago after not working for a long time.
Sandy-
I’m so sorry you are still in a flare and respect the fact that you immediately knew that you needed a break from work. I’m also struggling with working right now, and no it is not easy by any means.
I also understand the feeling of being alone. It’s a very lonely thing to have these chronic illnesses. Always remember, there those of “us” that do understand.