I know that my posts have been getting fewer and farther between on this website and I think part of that is due to the fact that I am getting to the point where I am finding some healing, some closure, some help through all of the pain, depression and worthlessness I have felt surrounding my health and my life.
We all have baggage and crap from our lives that we carry into our adulthood and that we can blame on for why we are the way we are, but sometimes traumatic things happen that we try to deny and push back and pretend that they don’t matter when in reality, all of those years we are pretending they don’t matter they are just eating and festering away at our insides.
For years I denied to myself, and even to therapists, that I had never had any type of sexual abuse as a child when in actuality, I did when I was 10 years old by a family member. I never told anyone until about a year ago and in someways I feel that coming out with the truth has helped me personally to heal, but in other ways it has been worse for my family as a whole. But I know that I didn’t do anything wrong and regardless of how long ago it was, I don’t have to pretend anymore, I don’t have to act like I can be around this person without having panic attacks and having to take extra medication. I just got tired of pretending like everything was okay when it wasn’t and I couldn’t put others in jeopardy either.
Now before anyone has a coronary or takes what I’m about to say out of context, I DO FULLY BELIEVE THAT CFS & FIBROMYALGIA ARE PHYSICAL AND REAL DISEASES. But I feel that in my situation that the trauma from the abuse, the denial of the abuse for 30 years, and everything I did to try and not deal with the feelings of having to deal with the abuse (becoming a workaholic and all of the other coping mechanisms I used) have further deteriorated my health. I also feel that my emotional problems, the Major Depressive Disorder, I was recently diagnosed with was the culmination of everything coming crashing down and all of the emotions and everything I denied for so many years hitting me like a ton of bricks all at once.
Trying to deny all of those feelings and to push them aside for 30 years could not have been good for me physically and we all know it’s not good mentally either. It’s like a dam that finally bursts; the light that finally comes on.
The old saying that “everything happens for a reason” really seems to ring true for me. When my health totally deteriorated back in 2003 and I had to go on disability and quit working at that time for a long time, I thought my life was over. But now I am seeing that maybe that is what I needed because once I stopped pushing myself beyond exhaustion, once my body completely gave out and wouldn’t allow me to do anything, I couldn’t run away from my feelings anymore. I had to start dealing with things that I hadn’t dealt with in years. I had to start dealing with feelings, emotions, abuse and the results of all of those things because I could no longer escape in work. My body was too sick to work and I couldn’t run away from them anymore. My escape mechanism was gone.
So the healing began – slowly but surely – and it has been a long, slow process but I am getting there and I feel that my health has slowly but surely been improving. I have hiccups along the way, setbacks with my health and flares, but they seem to be coming further apart, I am looking and feeling better all of the time, and I think with the proper counseling now with revealing the truth, I can become whole.
CFS & Fibromyalgia will always be a part of my life – I have accepted that and I will continue to strive for balance and harmony so I don’t flare as often. But I think that by dealing with all of the emotional garbage from my life – finally dealing with the abuse and past – I can at least heal mentally and physically it will be beneficial.
That is such a difficult thing to do. I admire your strength. I was abused as a child and I found it hard to deal with when I was relatively healthy. I can’t imagine how you are getting through this with CFS. You are amazing!
I happened to see this the other day:
http://edition.cnn.com/2011/HEALTH/03/28/burn.heartbreak.same.to.brain/index.html
Apparently the body can’t tell the difference between emotional pain and physical pain. It is no wonder that emotional stuff makes us crash just as hard as physical stuff.
Hang tough! We are behind you!
The first step to true self-help is willing to be candid, notice what hurts, and find the therapy that is necessary to remove the psychic burden.
Sandy, I’ve never ever shared my hell; I keep that door SHUT. I cringe at the thought of bringing it up. But you give me hope that maybe this is what I need to do?
I feel like a rubber band that had been stretched and stretched till it finally had to break. I’m starting to get a knot tied in that rubber band but still…
On a lighter note, I love that picture of you on Twitter. You look hot! (is that the wrong thing to say to another woman? Umm…but “you look good” just doesn’t cover it.)
Been there, done that….. examined and felt the past and present, emotional abuse, depression, yada, yada and so on…. I’ve been an open book in therapy.
I am now 70 years old. Was traveling across Mexico from the east to the west
coast & acquired a horrible “international flu”. Upon my return to the US,
I kept getting the flu over & over. After 2 years and 17 doctors, I finally
had a dianosis of chronic fatique. I cried as I was told this at the age of
50. I was a corporate officer witha long term marriage. I lost both. After
months of slow and easy exercise, cognitive therapy, I stayed in remission.
However, it is just now back with a vengence. I am also sexually abused by
an older brother. The scars of his abuse have never left me. I was one of
5 sisters who he abused. I am the only one to acquire this fatique propblem.
I do not believe the two are related. Also, acquired mono at 23 years of age.
I’ve been to countless therapists, been on countless drugs. Nothing seems to work, probably because of financial pressure. I can’t just stay home and make no money. I have to suffer at work(until I can’t take it)then try to find another job after I give myself 3 weeks of rest. It’s stressful, and I never can seem to just accept it. I may explore disability, but I hear thats not the simplest thing to get with CFS. Blogging def helps a little bit, I just started doing it myself.
Sandy, I’ve noticed that I’ve seen little posted from you and worried about you. But I’m glad to hear things are looking up and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Like you, some things have improved for me and some have not. You were under tremendous stress all the time trying to deny and push to the background, all of the issues from your childhood. We all know how stress can wreck our bodies – I surely do! Some of my stresses have eased and some are still there, but I try to acknowledge and take the right steps to prevent it from getting out of control. Stress is a part of life and it’s how we deal with it that makes the difference. I still suffer with Fibro, CFS and the other various and sundry side effects that come along, but I see some things improving, so that is a plus for me. I will keep moving forward as best I can and try to see the good and beauty in life. We all need to take a moment every day to appreciate and have gratitude for our many blessings! Take care!