Too Miserable To Give A Crap

I am experiencing yet another flare and I’m afraid that this one isn’t going to go away anytime soon.  I have had CFS long enough to know that this flare is a pretty bad one and it will take me a while to come back from it.  Two weeks ago I was experiencing a pretty bad flare where I wasn’t able to do anything but lie on the couch and in bed for three days.  Last week I was feeling really good and yes – I did overdo it a little bit.  I was feeling so good I couldn’t help myself.  Saturday I started feeling bad again and I wasn’t on my computer for two days.  My husband says he knows I’m feeling bad when I don’t get on the computer for a couple of days.  He’s in shock when I only miss one day! 

I spent most of Easter Sunday trying to sleep.  I haven’t been sleeping well since Friday, only a few hours a night, and that is making the flare worse.  On Sunday after church I came home and rested until it was time to go out to eat for lunch.  My parents took the family out to a local restaurant instead of all of us doing the cooking.  I didn’t sleep after church, however, and by the time we went for lunch at 2:00 p.m. I was miserable.  Everyone could tell just by looking at me that I was not doing well. 

Then yesterday I had to go to work and on the way I prayed that it wouldn’t be busy, but no such luck.  I guess no one had any leftovers from Easter dinner because we were super busy, I was super miserable and I didn’t even care that I wasn’t as friendly or talkative as I usually try to be with my customers.  When I feel this bad I just don’t give a crap.  I wasn’t rude to anyone, I just wasn’t smiling much or as chatty as I normally try to be.

It’s days like that where someone with CFS and FM should not be allowed to work with the public!  We should have a “caution” or “beware” sign to wear.  I can be really grouchy when I am having a flare and all I could think about was going home.  I kept watching the clock wanting my shift to end so badly.  The last half hour of my four-hour shift I had to work on the self-scan registers and I felt like I was going to pass out.  I had to sit down for a few minutes to get myself under control. 

I couldn’t wait until it was time to go home so I could lie down and try to sleep.  How pathetic does that sound?  I actually look forward to going home and sleeping after work.  That’s how the mind of a PWC works!  Even as I write this all I want to do is sleep.  These flares don’t get any easier the older I get. 

I’m off today, work tomorrow and then I don’t have to go back in until Saturday.  I am taking it easy this week regardless of what needs done around the house.  I don’t want to end up laid up for months as I have in the past.